I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard.
I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

When I turned two, I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I flip it on and off, on and off, on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "I said yes officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blow-dryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year..

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I was at a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. The guy said, "What the Hell do you think you're doing?" I said, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Forget it then, I don't want to work here."

I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I took a baby shower.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

One time I went to a museum where all the work had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Isn’t it an amazing day?" and she said, "Yes it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean you guess?" She said, "I can't tell you I don't even know you." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a complete total stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, I've just been to my analyst, and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" "I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was re-reading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat-hanger.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

      I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Brian prefers fresh cut flowers