Quotes Page

"There’s this site on the internet that has all these manipulated pictures of me….In one shot I’m having sex with Raquel Welch. I saw it and it was like Yuuuuck. Then Tommy said Do you mind moving over a little so I can get a better look?"
—Pamela Anderson

"I was the best mother I could possibly be"
                                                         —Hedda Nussbaum

"I always thought it was funny to see peoples reactions when I’d blow a fart in front of 50 guys on stage. That never seemed funny to me as I'm pretty comfortable with my bodily functions. My friends know me by now and view this as normal. But those guys on the show would be utterly flabbergasted that I would dare to fart in front of them. What can I say? That’s just me. And the same goes for picking my nose."
                                                          —Jenny McCarthy

Theses, they're very dangerous. They trap you. Especially these furry ones... it's these furry guys that get you in trouble. They can reach out and listen to something so - keep it respectful here.
                                                  —George Bush on "Microphones"

Brian's Doctor "Welby"
Hi There

"Take out the word `Quayle' and insert the word Bush wherever it appears, and that's the crap I took for eight years. Wimp. Sycophant. Lap dog-poop. Lightweight. Boop. Squirrel. Asshole."
—George Bush. -defending his choice of
Dan Quayle as his running mate.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child"
—Dan Quayle

‘You don’t have to be nice to people on the way up, if you’re not coming down."
—Elvis Presley’s manager Tom Parker

"I tried it once, and then I asked myself—Where’s the main course?" —Courtney Love on "Bisexuality"

"Quit, because that boy Gulato kicked your butt"
—Riddick Bowe’s Mother

"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about."
—Greens Law of Debate

Brian's Nurse "Ratchet"

Listen To The Beat Of My Heart It was so exciting! The world was so vastly different you could never understand the action and excitement of it. I mean the cunningness of it. To be able to outsmart somebody was a big thrill. Not that you have to go out there and beat a guy up and slam him on the ground and take his wallet. To outsmart them, to out time them, to out think them. Even though they know that you’re a crook. When you’re on a bus, or you’re walking to a check cashing place, or the grocery store. They know to watch you, and you still outsmart them. Most people would think… well she knows me, she’s on to me, I’m gonna walk away. But just to still watch them, watch them, they think they know, and then they make one mistake, and you outsmart them, and you have their wallet. I’m not a professional crook but when I was young I just wanted to out think them. The idea was you’d go back to your friends and say… You had to see the way I did this, you’d say to your friends… You had to see it. You know you’d have to say I should get an academy award for this. It was just… I don’t care, I had a great time, you know what I mean. It was a great learning experience. In life.
—Iron Mike Tyson

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
— William Shakespeare

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future."
— Adolf Hitler

Brian's Dental Hygienist "Shelby"

"We can look forward to four more years of wonderful, inspirational speeches full of wit, poetry, music, love and affection, plus more goddamn nonsense."
—David Brinkley, ABC News, after Clinton clinched his re-election.

"And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."
—Winston Churchill, replying to Bessie Braddock MP who told him he was drunk.

"Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion." —Stephen Wright.

"Never believe anyone who bleeds for 5 days and don’t die."
—Male chauvinist

Brian's Chiropractor "Yoko"
Take My Pulse

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
—Albert Einstein

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
—Bill Gates, 1981

"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
—Cindy Crawford

"The point is that you can't be too greedy."
—Donald Trump

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
—Mariah Carey

"Somebody said to me, "But the Beatles were anti-materialistic." That's a huge myth.
John and I literally used to sit down and say, "Now, let's write a swimming pool."
—Paul McCartney

"Cheating is out of the question. Sure Frank sees sexy flight attendants and business woman when he flies around the country. But the only com-on he gets anymore is C’mon, Frank, show us a picture of Cody."
— Cathy Lee Gifford

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