WASHINGTON DC- A major organized
crime figure offered strong Mob support for the Kyl Bill, designed
to outlaw Internet wagering in a press conference today. "The
Kyl Bill is *#&ing beautiful. It drives revenue to organized
crime through government intervention in a way not seen since
the 1920’s. It is the best and most welcome form of legislation
for our organization since Prohibition," declared Gamblino
Family kingpin Vito Criminalini.
Arizona Senator John Kyl’s bill
criminalizes gambling over the Internet and passed a Senate subcommittee
on a voice vote. The bill exempts state lotteries, horse racing,
dog racing, harness racing, and several other forms of gaming
that fills the coffers of tax-hungry politicians. It specifically
targets sports betting with companies that are licensed to operate
in Europe, Australia, and the Caribbean.
"Kyl solves a big problem for
organized crime," according to Criminalini, who appeared
before the media nattily-attired in a zoot suit, dress shirt,
and eight-inch-wide necktie. "The availability of safe, legal
sports betting with foreign companies has substantially cut into
Mob revenues, which traditionally have financed our operations
in activities such as drugs, weapons, protection, extortion, racketeering,
and loan sharking. Guys would see a William Hill betting shop
on every street corner in Europe, find out they could bet American
sports with them on the Internet, and stop patronizing their illegal
bookmakers when they return home. It’s lead to significant shortfalls
in revenues for us. We need to get that money back to finance
our other operations, which is why we’ve been such strong Kyl
supporters."
When pressed on comparisons to Prohibition,
Criminalini’s eyes brightened, "my grandfather has told me
stories about Prohibition for years and taught me how the government
suddenly taking people’s rights away creates the best opportunities
for our Family. It happened with Prohibition, suddenly we controlled
the entire market for booze. Now the same thing’s happening with
gambling. Now people who have betting on the Internet for four
or five years have to come back to us. It’s a beautiful thing.
We couldn’t be happier."
Criminalini had high praise for
Kyl and his political allies. "We’ve been funneling donations
to them through our wholly-owned casino subsidiaries in Vegas,
Atlantic City, Mississippi, and elsewhere. They’ve come through
for us like champs," raved the mobster.
At first we were concerned that
people would catch on to the hypocrisy of these guys using gambling
profits to finance legislation based on a moralistic anti-gambling
stance. We were worried about the whole civil liberties thing,
too. Plus the thing’s completely unenforceable. But whenever people
would start to catch on, they’d talk about making things safe
for ‘the children’ and the media would just back off. Kyl does
this fabulous ‘little Johnny gambling with mom’s credit card’
routine. The funny thing is that there has never been a single
actual case of a kid using his parents’ credit card to gamble
on the Internet and Kyl knows it. But the media people just eat
the free food in the press room and don’t seem to give a *#$&
about what’s going on."
The Gamblino family has had their
eyes opened about the opportunities in the political arena for
organized crime. "As an organization, we’ve learned that
as long as we juice these guys with donations, things will come
our way," according to Criminalini. "We’ve got to stay
on the case to get an edge on the Asians, blacks, Latinos, Russians,
and other gangs. I mean, these politicians are even more money
hungry than we are. They actually think that they have the authority
to regulate the *%&#ing Internet. My cousin Guido’s on the
Internet back in the old country, yet give these Feds some cash
and they actually convince themselves they have the power to regulate
it all over the world."
