Humor

Pickup lines most likely to get you slapped
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow me to smithereens.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
Are those real?
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
You must wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
(Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

Stuff Chicks Will Never Say

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big!
We can’t afford this!
I love the smell of a good cigar after sex.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
I think belching is really sexy.
Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
I insist that you always put your mother before me.
Instead of going clothes shopping, couldn’t I just pleasure you orally tonight?
Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
Let's skip the Mel Gibson movie and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
I understand.
You don't swear enough.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
Oh yeah, any hole you want.

THE VOODOO PENIS
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said," Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop! " The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more." I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, My Ass.

A FROG STORY

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole. when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER NINE BEERS

CLICK HERE TO HEAR “THE DENNIS RODMAN SONG”

CLICK HERE TO HEAR “THE MAN SONG”

Three women had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."