How many men does it take to open a beer?
None it should be opened by the time she brings it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to  support you. 


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.  .  ."


Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.


I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus -
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once. 

Why do married men gain weight while bachelor's don't? 
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. 
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't.  There is a clock on the oven.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman that won't do what she's told.